The Mouse Wars

The Mouse Wars
by Scott Bradley

A couple of months ago I moved out of the ranch house and into a trailer where a friend has been living intermittently for many years. He warned of a serious mouse problem. Mouse problem? I like mice.

Mice! Mice scurrying about in broad daylight. Mice joining me in bed. Mouse droppings all over the kitchen counter. Mice wearing size 13 combat boots, making an incredible din all the night through. Time to go to war.

Being compassionate (without the need of a goddess of compassion), I shall catch them alive and transport them.

Mouse One enters large bottle to get peanut; bottle falls upright into sink; mouse jumps straight up and out.

Sorry, time for a non-compassionate trap. Cute little Mouse Two gets caught by paw; I immediately release with great guilt.

The Compassionate Mouser (patent pending) is invented. Mouse Three enters 3" PVC pipe; activates mechanism; Mason jar lid falls; mouse goes into 5 gallon bucket; mouse jumps to rim and escapes (outside).

Mouse Four stays in trap which goes in bucket; trap is taken to distant woodpile; regrets and best wishes are expressed; trap is empty.

Mouse Five stays in trap which goes in bucket; trap lid is held down by towel; to the woodpile; regrets are expressed; no mouse.

Mouse Six stays in trap; goes in bucket; Weber barbeque lid placed over bucket; to the woodpile; regrets expressed; no mouse; vent on lid was left open.

Mouse Seven is denied open vent; goes to woodpile; gives me an accusing and mournful look and disappears. Success!

There is a brief respite from complete infestation. New very non-compassionate trap is discovered. The Toaster. Mouse Eight enters weight-activated Toaster....Caution: Extreme danger of fire!

At this very moment, I hear them marching in triumph. A mouse scurries across the floor a few feet away. I lie not. They have won. Only a month to go and I return to the boat and the bird-poop wars (cormorant, heron, and osprey poop isn’t tweetie-poop!). But as a dear friend says, They were here first. And they’ll be here when we’re gone; just like the Taliban.

You can check out Scott's other miscellaneous writings here.